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原文網址:https://theplayerstribune.com/lamar-odom-done-in-the-dark/

When I woke up in the hospital room in Nevada, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t

talk. I was trapped inside my own body. My throat hurt like hell. I looked

down and I had all these tubes coming out of my mouth.







So I panicked.

我當時非常驚恐。



I started trying to pull them out, but I couldn’t because my hands were so

weak. The nurses came running in to stop me. You ever had a really bad dream,

where you’re trying to run away from a monster or some shit, and you just can

’t run? Your legs don’t work like they should, and the monster is coming

right behind you, and it’s like you’re in slow motion. That’s what it felt

like.







I was laying there, looking up at the ceiling, and the doctors kept coming in

and standing over me and saying some stuff. Then they’d leave. Then they’d

come back. Leave, come back. Leave again, come back again. Or maybe I was

just going in and out of sleep.







My ex-wife was there in the room with me. After all the shit I had done, I

was surprised to see her. Honestly, that’s when I knew that I was probably

in bad shape.







At some point, the main doctor came in and told me what had happened. He

said, “Mr. Odom, you’ve been in a coma for the last four days. Do you

understand?”


有一次我的主治醫師過來告訴我我到底發生甚麼事情。"Odom 先生，你已經昏迷 4 天了，

你聽得懂我在說甚麼嗎?"




I couldn’t talk. So I just nodded.

He said, “It’s a miracle that you’re here. We didn’t think you were going

to make it.”


我無法講話，所以我只好點頭。他又接著說 "你現在躺在這裡真的是奇蹟，我們都以為你

撐不下去了。"




I was in total shock. Couldn’t say any clever shit back. Couldn’t ask

questions. It was the first time in my life that I felt helpless. I felt like

I was two inches tall. It was just … it was real.







At that point in my life, I was doing coke every day. Pretty much every

second of free time that I had, I was doing coke. I couldn’t control it.







I didn’t want to control it.

其實我根本也不想克制自己。




I remember sitting there in bed, and for the first time in my life I couldn’

t talk my way out of the situation. I was trapped all day in my own thoughts.

And I kept thinking about something that my grandmother used to say to me

when I was a kid.







I could see her face, like she was right there in the room.

“What’s done in the dark,” she would say, “will come out in the light.”


我仿佛可以看到她的臉，好似她就在病房裡陪著我。

"在暗處發生的事情，總是會在明亮中曝光" 她這樣跟我說




I think of all the sneaky shit I tried to get away with. All the times I did

wrong. All the stuff I tried to hide. If it’s not in the public light, it’s

in God’s light.






I was laying there in that bed, hooked up to all these machines, people all

around me crying, and there was no running from it anymore. It was like God

was telling me, “Whatever the fuck you think you’re doing, you need to slow

down. Or it’s gonna be worse than this.”







Only one thing worse than this.

我也只想得到一件事情能比我現在的樣子還糟糕了。




Rick James said it best.

“Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”

It’s a hell of a drug.


Rick James 講得最清楚了 "古柯鹼真是他媽該死的毒品"。它真的是這樣。




It will make you do things you never thought you’d do. It will turn you into

a different person. It will put you in situations where you say to yourself,

“How the fuck did I get here?”







When I was in that hospital bed, I kept asking myself that question. And I

kept thinking about all the people in my life who aren’t here anymore.

Mostly, I thought about my mother. My dad wasn’t really around when I was a

kid. He had his own problems with addiction. But my mother was my best friend

in the world. She was just so caring. My first memory in life is hearing the

sound of her voice. She had these really wide eyes and a real soft voice.







If we were at a family party everybody would ask me, “Lamar, where’s your

mother? Where’s Cathy? Where’s Cathy?”

She was like the center of the universe in Jamaica, Queens.


如果我們參加一個家庭聚會，大家都會問我 "Lamar 你媽在哪裡? Cathy 在哪裡呢? 在哪

?" 他就像是皇后區牙買加的宇宙中心點。




I remember when I started playing peewee football, I was already big as hell.

I could take care of myself. But I got hit on this one play, and I was just

dinged up a little bit. I’m on the ground for six seconds or seven seconds

max, and just as I’m about to get up, I hear my mom’s voice. She’s running

from the sideline out onto the field. Sprinting, yelling, “Mookah! Mookah!

Talk to me, baby!”







That was her nickname for me.

She gets to me and I’m like, “Mom, what are you doing? Are you crazy?”

I mean, this is New York City. Everybody’s looking at me like, Yo. Come on,

man.

She says, “Mookah, Mookah, are you O.K.? What hurts?”

I said, “Mom, I’m fine. Get the hell off the field!”

She's like, “O.K.! O.K.! I’m going! I just gotta make sure you're alright."


Then she went back to the sidelines like it was nothing. That was my mother.

She always had my back.


那是他取給我的綽號。他跑到我身旁，然後我不可思議的對他說 "媽，你在幹嘛啊? 你瘋

了嗎?" 我的意思是，這裡是 NYC 耶。每個人都盯著我看，像是在說 "Yo 老兄 你們到底

在幹嘛"

我媽問我 "Mookah, Mookah, 你還好嗎? 有沒有哪邊會痛?"

"媽沒事啦! 你快點下場啦"

"OK!OK! 我要走了!我只是想確認你沒事。"

然後他就像甚麼事都沒發生般走回場邊了。這就是我老媽，我知道我隨時都能依賴他。




When I was 12 years old, she got sick. I knew she had colon cancer, but I didn

’t really know how bad it was. She kind of kept it from me to protect me. I

just remember that she went into the hospital for a while, and when I went to

visit her, it seemed like she was getting … smaller. Like she was

disappearing, you know what I mean?







One day, when my grandmother was driving me home from the hospital, she said,

“You know, your mother is probably going to pass away soon. I just want you

to be ready.”


某一天我奶奶從醫院載我回家時，她告訴我 "你知道，你媽媽可能撐不久了。我只是想讓

你心裡有點底"




The day that she passed away, I remember going to see her, and I remember how

the cancer had just ravaged her body. Like if I could go back to that time,

and you could put me in that room, I probably wouldn’t even recognize who

she was. Her face was so small and she was bleeding out of her mouth. And she

kept saying “Mookah, Mookah….”







I just sat right next to her bed, and one of the last things she said to me …

 I still think about it every day.

She said, “Be nice to everybody, Mook.”

I don’t think anything can prepare you for losing your mother at 12 years

old. It leaves a mark on you. I don’t care how strong you think you are.


我坐在她床邊，聽著她跟我講她的最後幾句話。我現在還是會一直想著那些話。

"Mookah, 對每個人都要很好唷" 她這樣對我說






The only reason I was able to get through that time was because of my

grandmother, and because of basketball. Those two things protected me. On the

day my mother died, I went straight to the park to play ball. It was all I

wanted to do. It was an escape for me.







I remember the news had started to get around the neighborhood about my mom,

and people started showing up at the court. Then more people. After a while,

the whole block was out there with me.







I had this feeling, like, It’s gonna be alright. Your grandmother has your

back. Your neighborhood has your back. God has your back.







So go on. Get on with it. Keep going ’til you get your suit and you shake

that old man’s hand.


所以就埋頭讓生活繼續下去吧。繼續努力下去直到我能穿著西裝站上舞台跟那老頭握手。




See, I used to have this vision in my head, from the time I was 10 years old.

I could already see David Stern up at the podium calling my name, saying what

team I was going to, and me kissing my family. I could already see it.







You might think that being a kid from New York City, with drugs around all

the time, that my problems started a long time ago. Or that they started when

I got drafted by Los Angeles. But that wasn’t the case. I never wanted to

touch anything stronger than marijuana. I definitely never touched cocaine. I

actually looked down on it.







I didn’t try it until I was 24 years old, when I was on summer vacation in

Miami. And … I wish I could tell you there was a reason for it. There wasn’

t. It was just an asinine decision I made. If I knew that it was going to

affect my life the way it did, I would’ve never even thought about it.

Never. But I did it. It turned out to be a life-altering decision.







Right around that same time, my grandmother passed away. I lost a lot of

family members in a short period of time. When I did coke, I felt good for a

minute. I stopped having so much anxiety. I didn’t think about the pain. I

didn’t think about death. So I kept doing it more and more, but I was still

in control. It wasn’t like an everyday thing.







Then, about two years later, I got a phone call that changed my life. It was

the summer of 2006. I had been out partying all night, and I hadn’t gone

home.







My son Jayden was six months old at the time. He was at home in his crib. I

should’ve been at home with him. But I was out, doing whatever.

Early in the morning, I got a call from his mother. She was panicking. I was

like, “Yo, calm down. What’s wrong?”

And she said, “Jayden … he won’t wake up.”

I said, “He won’t wake up?”

She said, “Yeah, the ambulance is here. They’re taking him now.”




然後她回我說 "Jayden...他一直不醒過來"

我問她 "他醒不過來?"

她又回說 "對，救護車來了。醫護人員正在帶走他。"




I was in Manhattan. I had to drive all the way to Long Island. When I got to

the hospital, the doctors just told me that, you know, “He's not responding.”

They said, “He’s gone.”

I said, “Gone? What are you talking about? I just seen him. Gone?”


我那時人在曼哈頓，我得一路開到長島。我終於趕到醫院時候醫生只告訴我 "他沒有回應

，他死了"

我回說 "死了? 你們在講甚麼鬼話? 我才剛見到他，怎麼可能走了?"




Man, my son was vivacious. Real lively. Whenever I used to walk into a room,

he would just like … look at me, and stare. Of course, he couldn’t talk,

but he just used to stare. He used to use his eyes a lot — let me know that

he kinda understood. Like, Yeah, that’s my dad. What’s up, Dad?







I just seen him. Gone? How the fuck is that even possible? How can he be gone?

I walked into the hospital room … and the hurt on his mother’s face, I’ll

never forget that. How she couldn’t believe it.

Six months old. Gone.

He’d be 11 now.




6個月大而已。就這樣走了。

如果他活到今天，應該11歲大。




I used to think about what he would look like if he was still here. Actually,

I still think about it almost every day.

The doctors told us that the cause was sudden infant death syndrome. It

almost sounded made-up. No explanation. No answers. Just … gone. Like that.

And you’re supposed to just accept it. You’re supposed to live with that.


我之前會一直想像他如果現在還活著會長怎樣。實際上我現在還是會幾乎天天想到他。






I think everything probably picked up at that point, with the drugs. Even

subconsciously. You don’t even know why you’re doing it at that point. I

think subconsciously, you make yourself an addict because of the trauma that

you’re going through.







With cocaine especially, there’s a high, and then an emotional low. So it’s

like a roller coaster. You go high, and then you go low. High, low, high,

low. After you do it, you feel shame. You think about all the reasons why you

shouldn’t have done it. Then the cycle starts again.







That’s the thing people don’t understand. Anybody who’s lived a

complicated, drug-infused life like I’ve lived knows the cycle — with

women, cheating on my wife, shit like that. Nights when I should have been

asleep. Nights when I stayed up sniffing coke. Lot of those nights. When your

heart is beating fast. When you should know better. When you’re just riding

that roller coaster, man.


我想大部分人都無法了解這點。任何有過錯綜複雜又充滿毒品的生活都會懂我在說的循環






You think I wasn’t feeling shame? You think I was blind to what I was doing?

Nah, I wasn’t blind to it. Shame … pain. It’s part of the whole cycle. My

brain was broken. As the years went on, and I got into my 30s, my career was

winding down, and things just got out of control.

When I was like 32, 33 … I just wanted to get high all the time. That’s it,

just get high. And things got dark as hell.




歲，而我的生涯正漸漸的崩壞失去控制。






One of the darkest places I’ve ever been was when I was in a motel room,

getting high with this chick, and my wife (at the time) walked in. That

probably was like rock bottom.







First of all I was in a motel.

A motel.

I’m a millionaire. I’d made it out of Jamaica, Queens, and won two NBA

titles. And I’m in a motel, with some random person, doing coke. But I just

wanted to get high with this girl, and I had no other place to go. I couldn’

t take her home. You know, I was being a scumbag. Nothing else I got for

that. No excuses. No bullshit. That’s just the truth.


首先，我人在汽車旅館。一間汽車旅館。






My dick and my habit took me down all the roads that you don’t ever wanna go

down. A lot of great men are fools to that. Fools to that. There are probably

a lot of young dudes out there who hear my story and think that it could

never happen to them. That they’re untouchable.

Man … Nobody is untouchable. Nobody in this life is immune to pain.







(中略一小段 Odom 自己小時候發誓絕不會去坐牢的故事)



When you’re an addict, nothing can get through to you. I never thought I was

going to die. I never thought I’d be in a coma. I didn’t think I had a

problem. But then I woke up in a bed with tubes coming out of my mouth — and

it was real.

The doctors told me that right before I woke up from the coma, my kids had

come by to see me. And that broke my heart, because I had seen my own mother

on her deathbed, with tubes coming out of her mouth.









My kids are the only things that kept me going. I’ve been a big strong dude

my whole life, so anytime my kids see me in a weak point like that is

definitely hard for me — even to talk about now.







My son Lamar Jr. is 16. He’s shy and loves basketball. Like me reincarnated.

Only a more handsome version.







My daughter, Destiny, is 18. She’s beautiful and smart. And she doesn’t

take any shit. When I was able to talk again, she told me straight up, “Dad,

you need to get yourself help or I’m not going to talk to you again.”







So I went to rehab, and in rehab you learn to submit to everything. I’ve

always been a really anxious person. I’ve been a worrier my whole life. But I

’m learning  to release everything. Or at least I’m trying to learn.

My kids even came to a few therapy sessions with me. And that was especially

important, because they got to kind of let loose, telling me how my addiction

affected them, too.









After one of the sessions, my daughter told me, “This was good, but I don’t

ever want you to be in here again.”

在一次會面結束後，我女兒告訴我 "我覺得剛剛的懇談會感覺非常好，但是我希望你永遠

都不要再進勒戒所了。




I’m sober now. But it’s an everyday struggle. I have an addiction. I’ll

always have an addiction. It never goes away. I mean, I want to get high

right now. But I know that I can’t if I want to be here for my children.






You know, it’s crazy … when I was in the hospital, and I couldn’t even

walk, all these people came to see me that I hadn’t seen in a minute. All

these old teammates came. Kobe came. I got texts from all these guys, like, “

Damn dog, the news was saying you were dead. I’m happy you’re still here.”

It kind of reminded me of who I was, and what I’ve meant to some people.




這一切讓我想到我自己是誰，還有我對這些人存在的意義。




I shook hands with death. But you know what? Ain’t no coming back from that.

Even though my funeral would probably be a good funeral, and there’d

probably be a lot of people who hadn’t seen each other in a long time. But

it ain’t time for that yet.







I still got my kids. I’m still here. And damn, I’m still pretty handsome.

I’ve been through so much that now I just want that little piece in the

world … that little piece … where I don’t have to worry.

Every morning when I wake up, I look at the same pictures.

Pictures of people who are gone. My mother. My grandmother. My son Jayden. My

best friend Jamie.

People who are still here. My two beautiful kids.


我還是有我的孩子。我人也還在這，而且幹，我還是滿帥的說。



Jamie。還有那些還在我身邊人的照片，我兩個寶貝孩子的。




I just look at their faces for a few minutes, and it’s like a reminder of

what life is supposed to be about. I feel warm. I feel an energy. I feel

love. That shit gets me through the day.

It’s like taking my vitamins.




這感覺就像是吃維他命一樣。。



心得:後面因為累了開始有點亂翻= =  有問題歡迎指正

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